Monday, July 23, 2012

What the movies have taught me.

All missions in Mission Impossible are ultimately possible.

America is the only country that can save the world from an alien invasion.

Chewing gums are ultimate bomb defusers.

Love automatically happens when a pretty girl drops her books, and a guy helps her pick them up.

It is true love only if she thinks of him while hugging her pillow at night.

When a girl steps in to take a shower, chances are that either the phone's about to ring, or someone is trying to kill her.

Dev Anand’s face was forever inclined at an angle of 70 degrees.

The news of a natural calamity that can destroy lives is always played on a TV in a busy restaurant.

Rich people never have surnames like Kulkarni, Parekh, or Iyer.

Superheroes never have sex.

Secretaries are usually hot and sexy.

You can't shoot someone in their sleep, unless you have a pillow and a silencer attached to your gun.

The best way to impress a girl is to wait for her to look at you and brush your hand through your hair when you look at her.

Owen Wilson's life's always going through an awkward moment.

Raj Babbar was always fighting an inferiority complex.

When an expedition goes wrong, the rich French or Russian guy will always be the bad guy.

The best way to find out if she likes you is to look back at her when you walk away to check if she is looking back at you too.

Meeting people and falling in love is very easy.

People look really cool while running.

Emraan Hashmi is always struggling through life.

There are no fat women at pool side parties.

The bathtub is the best place to lie down and experience a nasty flashback.

No one ever uses a pillow that has a nice colourful cover while strangling someone with it.

If a poor guy dates a rich girl her father will offer the guy a cheque to make him stop dating her.

No news is disturbing until someone is shown removing a pair of spectacles right after they've heard about it.

A wife sewing a button on the shirt that her husband's wearing is the most effective aphrodisiac ever.

Matthew Broderick is always missing out on all the fun.

Most bad guys will have the first two buttons of their shirts open.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

So, what is hell, and how bad could it be?

If you’re happy and you know it please don’t clap, but you may want to stop reading this. Because what I’m about to present to you will probably seem extremely disturbing, or at least I hope it would.

What is heaven? Living in the clouds among angels? Large open green fields, lots of flowers attracting lots of butterflies, surrounded by a lot of mountains? A fully paid vacation that has the future potential of becoming the most liked photo album on your Facebook timeline? Or is it “right now” and in this moment while you’re reading this, and making it extremely ironic for yourself, so to say. Either way, there is only one way to find out. DIE!

But what if heaven and hell are nothing but words, and the only distance between the two is 40 other words in the dictionary?

But for the sake of this boring blog post, let's just assume that hell IS the spiritual realm of evil and suffering, and just in case you think your life isn’t hell already, let's consider the most probable ways in which life could get worse after you die.

Assuming that time is a constant, not in any particular order of severity, here are a few things they might make us do and for as many years as we lived our lives before we reached hell:

  • Walk… behind a lot of people who walk painfully slowly

  • Hangout… with people who end every sentence with a “and... what else?”

  • Sleep… in a room full of babies who incessantly throw tantrums, run around and cry.

  • Read… the terms and conditions documents of every insurance policy ever sold during the time that you were alive.

  • Dance… to Anu Malik and Pritam songs.

  • Talk… to customer service all the time.

  • Work… at a construction site, when it is 40 degrees outside.

  • Listen… to the sound of the first pull of a roll of duct tape, being played on-loop.

  • Eat… all the stuff that has a pineapple, dry-fruit and/or paneer topping.

  • Drive… in the fast lane, behind cars that are extremely slow.

  • Party… without alcohol, cigarettes and ..umm.. drugs.

  • Surf the internet… to connect with people who typ lyk ths, and don’t know the difference between your and you’re or lose and loose.

  • Travel… in overcrowded local trains, wherever you go.

  • Watch movies… but only those that have Zayed Khan in them.

    Considering the fact that the word "hell" is most often used by most people to express their annoyance, my guess is that hell will be a lot like living your life with that feeling you get when your toenail hits a chair leg.

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