So, what is hell, and how bad could it be?

If you’re happy and you know it please don’t clap, but you may want to stop reading this. Because what I’m about to present to you will probably seem extremely disturbing, or at least I hope it would.

What is heaven? Living in the clouds among angels? Large open green fields, lots of flowers attracting lots of butterflies, surrounded by a lot of mountains? A fully paid vacation that has the future potential of becoming the most liked photo album on your Facebook timeline? Or is it “right now” and in this moment while you’re reading this, and making it extremely ironic for yourself, so to say. Either way, there is only one way to find out. DIE!



But what if heaven and hell are nothing but words, and the only distance between the two is 40 other words in the dictionary?

But for the sake of this boring blog post, let's just assume that hell IS the spiritual realm of evil and suffering, and just in case you think your life isn’t hell already, let's consider the most probable ways in which life could get worse after you die.

Assuming that time is a constant, not in any particular order of severity, here are a few things they might make us do and for as many years as we lived our lives before we reached hell:

Walk… behind a lot of people who walk painfully slowly

Hangout… with people who end every sentence with a “and... what else?”

Sleep… in a room full of babies who incessantly throw tantrums, run around and cry.

Read… the terms and conditions documents of every insurance policy ever sold during the time that you were alive.

Dance… to Anu Malik and Pritam songs.

Talk… to customer service all the time.

Work… at a construction site, when it is 40 degrees outside.

Listen… to the sound of the first pull of a roll of duct tape, being played on-loop.

Eat… all the stuff that has a pineapple, dry-fruit and/or paneer topping.

Drive… in the fast lane, behind cars that are extremely slow.

Party… without alcohol, cigarettes and ..umm.. drugs.

Surf the internet… to connect with people who typ lyk ths, and don’t know the difference between your and you’re or lose and loose.

Travel… in overcrowded local trains, wherever you go.

Watch movies… but only those that have Zayed Khan in them.



Considering the fact that the word "hell" is most often used by most people to express their annoyance, my guess is that hell will be a lot like living your life with that feeling you get when your toenail hits a chair leg.

The Watchman diaries 1.0

Monday, 28th May, 2012

06:06 am

Where did my neem tooth brush (datoon) go?

06:19 am

Oh shit, forgot to check the water tank. 6th floor old man will yell at me today. His son does not treat him well, so he takes the anger out on me. hmmph.

06:30 am

*washing cars* *exchanges pleasantries with newspaper guy*

07:22 am

"what? they have bought a big car last month only, but can't pay your milk bill on time. Big people I tell you."

08:30 am

*still washing cars* *radio playing on mobile phone loudspeaker*

09:05 am

Let me return Gupta sir's keys first, he must be getting ready to leave for work. Big people, time is money for them. "Good mawrning saab" *bright smile that would ensure a healthy tip from Gupta sir this weekend*

10:33 am

"No sorry, no salesmen allowed in this building. Read the board. Secretary will take my ass, you try some other building. I am in-charge here."

11:09 am

"LIFT BAND KARO, LIIIFTTT, LIIIFT" (shut the lift door) "FFFFFUUUUUU"

11:32 am

"Kuthe jaychaa ?" (where are you going?) "Entry karaa" (make an entry)

12:36 pm

*Chewing tobacco and socialising with second shift watchman and watchman from neighbouring building*

01:12 pm

Lunch with 2nd floor Gupta sir's driver. Excited to know about Gupta sir's son from America. Big people.

02:14 pm

"Kuthe jaychaa ?" (where are you going?) "Entry karaa" (make an entry) *radio on mobile phone loudspeaker*

03:00 pm

Tea with 7th floor Mrs. Kulkarni's servant. Must learn how to change ringtone on my mobile phone.

03:30 pm

Listens to Radio on mobile phone. *chews tobacco*

03:33 pm

"LIFT BAND KARO, LIIIFTTT, LIIIFT" (shut the lift door) "FFFFFUUUUUU"

03:36 pm

"Lift band karo, Lift!" (shut the lift door) *takes the stairs* This is so annoying. Must be Mrs. Kulkarni. Talks on big phone, drives big car, but still does not know how to operate the lift.

03:45 pm

Someone should tell this Gupta sir's daughter to stop wearing such short dresses, she thinks she is Kareena Kapoor. At such young age she is like this, god save this country.

04:00 pm

zzzzzz

04:40 pm

Mrs. Kulkarni's dog is a nuisance. This is not my work. I am a secrooty guard, not a dog-walker. I will talk to secretary's son tonight when he returns from work.

06:30 pm

*yells at kids and throws the cricket ball back at them*

07:00 pm

Tea with second shift watchman, and watchman from other building.

07:50 pm

*checks water tanks*

08:00 pm

End of day. Must go and recharge my phone, and call the missus. Babu (Gupta sir's driver) was talking about some storm in north India.

09:00 pm

Out of the security uniform. *chewing tobacco, socialising with second shift watchmen, flashing smiles at building people*

10:00 pm

*lights mosquito coil* *radio on mobile phone loudspeaker*

11:00 pm

zzzz