10 things about Pune you can’t miss, unless you're blind!

You wake up from your shallow slumber, thanks to the sudden hollering of the bus conductor - He is that short guy with a loud voice who sits beside the bus driver, and could easily win salesman of the year for selling his bus seats to prospects looking for a ride to Pune. And we all know that if he pushes himself anymore he can even sell sand to the Arabs, forget about that lone seat to a guy who is already tired of waiting for another alternative! So, you hear this guy yelling out “Wakad junction; chalo, wakad junction” loudly, as if he’s addressing a bunch of deaf people. Soon, he drops you at your destination, and you find yourself swarmed by a congregation of Rickshaw drivers wanting to take over your wallet and drop you wherever you want, for as much money as they want! Welcome to Pune – the city of the conservative cosmopolitans.

After living here for a little more than a year I have come to realize that there is something about this city that no adjective in the dictionary can describe. Well, for starters, I would have looked for words like vibrant, urban, uptown, rich, well-planned, civic, cosmopolitan etc. but if you’ve lived in Pune, you will agree that none of these words wholly describe the city and her soul. Needless to say, that all of those words and many more would fit very easily in to a book called “Me Punekar”, if someone were to literally write it, that is. But, if I were to tell you about the city as such, I would merely be talking about the good weather, Student population, Urbanisation etc. Whereas, if you ask me about Bombay – then I would go - The Newyork of the east, or hey, that’s one place that never sleeps, or that’s where Amitabh became Big B.. yada yada. Pune, on the other hand is like a shadow of a metro, mostly. It’s that place where at least one person you know or have known at some point in your life, has studied at, and/or graduated from. According to Wikipedia and some 5th standard geography textbooks Pune is the 7^th metro city in India. But the way I look at it, Pune is a city that’s stuck somewhere between a large village and a metro. It's one of those cities that grew bigger and bigger from a village and ultimately ended up as a town city – but obviously, the social infrastructure, business environment, real estate costs, etc have all made Pune a metro among other metros.

 

Unlike Mumbai, or Delhi, Pune’s culture is more conservative and people more cultured if I can safely say that. But at the same time, a large number of migrants living here make it a fairly cosmopolitan culture encouraging different art festivals, events, cuisines, movies from around the world. That, along with your friends who are living here, makes this place somewhat exciting, but not as exciting as Goa, obviously. Here are some things that will not miss your observation, considering you spend enough time here, and are not too drunk or stoned to notice them.

1)      Rickshaws on the footpath – I have been told that this is the main reason Pune will not make it to the 50 best walking cities in the world surveyed by the International Podiatric Medical Association! Now, how can they list us, when a) we dont have too many footpaths, and b) the few existing ones are used as parking space for 6 seater tum-tum rickshaws.

2)      Sunbathing in the summer – The statement, “you shall burn in hell” is not much of a curse for the average punekar – because the average punekar knows that “burning in hell” can’t be worse than riding a bike in the Pune summer heat! Breaking News: Akshay kumar will be using sun bathing in Pune as one of the upcoming dare stunts in the next season of “khataron ke khiladi”. Wait for it; you will burn while watching it!

3)      Driving manners – Mumbai is full of lousy Sunday drivers on a Sunday while, Pune is full of such Sunday drivers everyday. There are no traffic rules in Pune, unless a traffic cop is visible on the horizon. Driving on the wrong side of the road is a way of life, as much as bad parking or tripling on motor bikes is.

4)       I have 2 hands, 2 legs, and 2 wheels – Imagine that Pune is this huge bee hive… then the myriad scooters and bikes would obviously be the bees, coming in from every direction. Fact is that Pune has more number of bikes than all of Mumbai’s vehicles put together. Keeping that in mind, Yash chopra is planning on making Dhoom 3 soon and most sequences are to be shot on Pune roads, because they won’t need extras for the group biker scenes, and almost every punekar looks better than Uday Chopra.

5)      Ninjas on Bikes – If you haven’t noticed this sub-specie of humans that mostly likes to travels on bikes alone or in pairs, wearing masks and arm warmers - fully covered from face down to arms, and legs – then you seriously need to consider improving your observation by meditating or something. This rare specie of neo-humans is also known as a ninja, and is mainly found in and around Pune. There are rumours that some of them ninjas have migrated to Ahemdabad and Surat, thanks to similar heat conditions found in those cities. This hominid species evolved due to the unbearable rays of the sun and the effect it has on their fair, and lovely skin.

6)      Road side celebration concerts and social events – Whether it is a wedding baraat, or Ganesh utsav, an unknown hindu festival, or simply some other occasion to celebrate, the punekar does it in style! Their recipe for celebration involves a road (any road, regardless of the ongoing traffic situation), a truck/ trailer, 10 big speakers that collectively make enough noise to send signals to intelligent life forms on the moon, and a DJ – and to this add a few hundred people frantically dancing on the road. And you have a full on concert, not just a Ganesh utsav visargan or durga puja!  If you haven’t seen this, try visiting Pune during Gokulashtami, or durga puja and you will know how annoying noise pollution + uncontrolled traffic can get!

7)      Rain that never pours cats and dogs - Pune serves a quivering environment for a calm & sober hopper but the rains play very little role in this. Since, here it's never going to rain like it did in “The Day After Tomorrow.” Unlike Cherapungi, Pune’s rain mostly seems scanty or such that it will rain heavily for a few minutes, and then steady down to a drizzle, but this drizzle which will stay long enough to get you wet like Shahrukh khan in a love song from a Kjo movie. 

8)      Customer is not god, only human – Like most other tier II cities, Pune too is very low on customer service. Whether it be a semi posh restaurant, or your regular paan walla, the management won’t bend their rules to wow you. So what if you are a customer, after all you are human too, just like everyone else. The only saving grace is that atleast they don’t shut shop during the afternoons for their private naps, the way gujjus in most of Gujarat do.

9)      Thank family & neighbour it’s Friday – Life rapidly changes the moment the weekend kicks in! No restaurant, mall, theatre, or park is found empty from Friday night onwards all the way till Sunday! Weekend is all about foot fall in Pune primarily because the Punekar likes to hangout in groups. I mean large groups. Even for an ordinary outing to a mall, He likes to take his wife, kids, wife’s sister & her husband and their kids, and sometimes the parents and neighbours too!

10)  Bakeries by the dozen – Yes yes, I know you thought of the terrorising german bakery blast! But hey, that’s not the only bakery in Pune. Almost every street has a couple of bakeries and they all sell the same stuff! For instance, there is a ‘Poona bakery’, and then there is also ‘New Poona bakery’! Try it, and enjoy the similarity!   

Jason Statham, God #Sameguy

Firstly, I know im not the first guy on the internet to shower praises for the greatest Hollywood action hero ever born! Infact, im quite aware that im probably one of the slowest people on the internet to realise this burning admiration for his highness, Jason Statham - The lord of pure action. But mind you, that in no way makes me lesser fan, because my awe for this guy goes beyond this blog and cannot be confined merely to these statements of praise! And it’s not just me, but anyone having watched Transporter 3 and Crank 2 will be tempted to tell the world about their overwhelming feelings of wonder and admiration for this super hero of action movies.

Most of his movies are unapologetic audience pleasers, from an actor who isn’t worried about returning to previous roles to churn out fresh films with very little or no difference in the script. There is not an iota of reinvention or innovation in the script of the sequels, nor is there much change to the role played by Statham. Yet, these are hard core entertainers thanks to Jason’s impeccable, irreplaceable style and on screen persona. 

This maybe one of the reasons for Jason Statham movies being such favorites for movie channels, since they air them more than those cola adverts! For instance, Star Movies shamelessly adds Statham movies to almost every weekend movie campaign of theirs. Because of this, I have been lucky enough to watch Transporter 3 six times. I loved the movie so much; I even downloaded the HD version from a torrent site, and am now just a few bucks away from buying the original DVD and a life size wall poster, so that I can wake up every morning and worship him! If you haven’t seen the movie.. then I safely presume that you probably don’t watch much Star movies. Jason Statham is reason enough to watch these movie channels!

If you don’t believe me, try watching a Statham movie and liberate yourself from the Misery of not knowing his greatness! Any Jason Statham movie really, should show you something that goes beyond those Gun shot sequences, car chases or spine-twisting brawls. You'll see just how easily he is a star in every move of his and the very look in his eyes. If you watch a movie like Crank (an adrenaline rush of a movie that lasts for 88 min) in which Statham plays a hitman who's injected with a toxin that will kill him if he lets his heart rate dip below the speed of light, you'll see the same hungry look that Sly stallone had in Rambo, or Sunny Deol had in Ghayal. And if you like Crank, let me tell you that Crank 2 is like Crank multiplied by Crank! It’s so full of adrenaline it will give you a head rush. I even read somewhere, that doctors have advised their heart patients to refrain from watching the movie for all good reasons.

So, here are a few facts collected about the MAN. Most of these are surprisingly true, but im sure you won’t be too surprised if you have seen a Statham movie!  

# After watching Transporter 3, God now visits the church and prays to Jason Statham.

# Jason Statham is to Action, what God is to Religion!

# There maybe many gods in this world. But there is only One Jason Statham

#In Crank, Jason got horny. Today, as a result, there are many gods!

# In Transporter 2 Jason Statham runs faster than himself! Beat that chuck!

# When Jason enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, but the darkness gets turned off automatically

# He who doesn’t like Jason Statham obviously has a death wish!

# There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Jason Statham lives in England!

# After Crank 2 and Transporter 3.. there is obviously no room for Rambo 5 in Hollywood.

# Transporter movies make most men want to turn Gay, only so that they could fantasize about Jason

# After seeing Jason Statham in Crank, Rubert Ludlum has decided not to write any more Jason Bourne books! #nochance

# When they introduced a wax statue of Jason Statham at Madame Tussauds, the rest of the statues started to melt with his sheer presence #Fact

# If Ian Flemming was alive, he would have renamed James Bond, to Jason Statham!

#Jason was given a role in ‘The Expendables’ only because Sly Stallone knew no one would want to watch the movie otherwise!

Always remember, when you go for a Jason Statham flick, you get pure testosterone filled manly action, not some cheesy arse predictable Rambo or James bond movie! For each role that he plays, Statham simply assumes that his character is a perpetually hungover badass and is more or less so annoyed at everything in the world that he could strangle the sodding camera while the movie is being shot! Statham's acting career ended with Lock stock, since then it only has been an action career!

The Society of the Facebook and Twitter Conscious People

This might come off as a rant, and I have no regret if it does, or if you feel offended. Maybe, you should feel offended if you fit into the “Society of the FB and Twitter conscious people.” This society was formed the day some of you attention grabbing whores got together on the internet and took Facebook and then twitter to a whole new level. (Please note that Im not mentioning “orkut” here, because this whole post will become boring with the very mention of it.)

Since the advent of FB and twitter, the internet has become this huge social networking platform! Every website has those twitter and Fb logos. Anything you do on or off the internet can be published on your twitter or facebook profile! Everyone’s having fun, yes. Facebook is for networking. And Twitter is for bloggers who have grown out of the FB clutch apparently! The only difference between the two is the level of IQ between the user groups. FB, being used by the mentally challenged, ofcourse.

Picture this: Four friends. 2 girls and 2 guys. A famous pub in Pune. Music and Beer. As the beer intake is enhanced, there is a sudden increase in the number of digital camera flashes, damn it felt like a press conference with background retro music!  2 girls. 2 guys. 3 cameras. Holy mother of photography – they must have a shared over a 1000 pictures between them in less than 100 minutes – that makes it 10 pictures per minute. Guinness records, are you listening!?

O.k. Honestly, I don’t have a problem if you take a million pictures of your friends and add it to that album called good times of the past or whatever. I seriously don’t. Who am I to interfere with my opinions about your habits? But what im more concerned about is the motive behind the photography. What is it that you are doing here - is it just a photograph? A memory captured? Or really, a facebook moment that may some how elevate your current status on the networking site among your peers. Photography is an art. A Hobby, a way of life for some, and a passion to others, please don’t make a dick out of it this way! When the intention behind the photograph is only and only “facebook” - it makes you a part of the Society of the FB and Twitter conscious people. Here are some of the other behavioral and personality traits that the members of this society demonstrate. Now, im not asking you to agree or disagree to these points. They are merely my  observations.

-         You live off Facebook and twitter. Some part of your self-confidence and temporary happiness comes from Re-tweets, followers, and photo comments. Within this safe cocoon, you’re liked, appreciated and respected. Outside it, you’re an alarming shithead! To further elaborate this, there are some micro pointers listed below

a)      Your Twitter profile picture is the picture in which you have looked the best. Ever. Evaaargh!

b)      You change your FB display picture every 3-4 days. You change it, and then re-change it back as if, by changing it, some sad part of your life is actually going to change with it! Well, I have news for you – most of us don’t even bother looking at your new profile pictures, and it simply gets buried in our news feed!

c)      Before getting the 100 followers, you were a ‘nobody’ in your own eyes on the social websites. Infact, you followed a 110 to get the 100 followers!

d)      In reality, your sense of humor is not half as good as it is on these websites, thanks to Google ofcourse!

e)      If I were to see you at the station, in the class room or even in at my workplace, I wouldn’t even notice you as a YOU!

f)        You update us when you board the bus/train/ taxi/ airplane as if we are all somehow waiting to know where you are and eagerly anticipating your next move. The fact is, mostly, a response on these websites is generated only because there are other people out there just like you who want a response when they tweet about their Saturday night splurge or delayed flights! Get it?

g)      You feel compelled to @friend one of your followers who has mentioned @you in a tweet

h)      Birds of a feather flock together. Members of the Society of the FB and Twitter conscious people hang out together. They talk over the phone, and then write on each others wall as if writing on facebook walls were rapidly going out of style. Hell, I have even seen 2 girls tweeting their @nicknames while sitting opposite each other in the same restaurant! #Lame

i)        Your day doesn’t start until you update your tweeples with a good morning, and get a 100 tweet hugs back!

j)        Remove FB, Twitter and other social websites from the internet and you wont know what the internet is for in the first place. Without them social networking websites the internet solves no or very little purpose. Checking mail maybe.

k)      On similar lines, any internet work station that you get to access is first used to check the Fb and twitter updates. Then, follows the E-mail inbox.  

l)        You wake up in the middle of the night when your QWERTY phone buzzes to check who commented on your Fb profile picture, or @mentioned you!

-         You think those guys who follow you, post comments and like your photos, and status updates have a rather high opinion of you. Always remember Everyone on FB and twitter is a self-promoting lunatic!

-         You will die or atleast have a nervous breakdown if someone on the social media website insults you or pokes fun at your expense. OMG! You will not be able to sleep for nights unless you get back at them and ensure that your circle of fans have not lost “respect” for thee highness! Breaking News: you are a techno-anxious freak. You need to stop taking yourself so seriously on these social networking websites. No one cares what people here say or do. It’s the internet for crying out loud, anything goes. The internet is for porn, not for social networking! #fact

-         For real life problems, you find a way to involve your internet buddies by asking them for advice and also showing them how deep and thoughtful you are. 

You facebook and twitter conscious people make me want to strangle the living souls out of you. Beware, the next time you open your mouth to say "hey, let me click a snap and tag you on fb.." I might be on the next table, anonymously sipping on my beer and plotting my next murder victim! haaargh! 

Years before FB and twitter came into existence, some of us used to happily scan the internet meet some interesting people and have some very meaningful conversations about music, Movies books etc and grow with each others preferences, similar tastes, and likes. Now, FB, with the million posers & wannabe photo comment seekers, and twitter, with another million blogging losers who have spent more than half their life talking to their blogs, have both unified into a whole country of social networking leeches on the internet. They have impregnated the internet with the members of the Society of the FB and twitter conscious people!